So Far Away
by RiokuAvalon
Summary: When something happens to Kaiba that changes his life, he must find it in himself to continue to fight for what he believes is right, even if it means harming himself. SetoxJou. Rated for LEMONS and language.
1. Accidents Happen

This is my life  
It's not what it was before  
All these feelings I've shared  
And these are my dreams  
That I'd never lived before  
Somebody shake me 'cause I  
I must be sleeping

Chapter One

Fuck. Six Thirty in the morning. On a Saturday morning. I cursed myself for forgetting to turn off the alarm clock. I can never get back to sleep when I have already woken up. Oh well, I had the day off, I could plan what I was going to do.

I turned over in bed. Jou was lying on his side, snoring ever so slightly. It was cute, I thought. I put my arm around him, and nuzzled into his neck and his soft golden hair. He stirred ever so slightly, and I let go of him. No need to wake him up this early to.

I sat up and got out of bed, walking across my room in only my boxers. Thank god for silk boxers, so easy to put on, especially after a good night of nice, hard…um…never mind.

Ten-minute shower, threw on some old clothes, and I was down in my kitchen, pouring a nice cup of hot coffee, and reading the morning news. I prodded my cereal with my spoon and flipped lazily through the articles, none of which caught my interest.

I turned my head to the sound of someone coming down the stairs. Jou walked in moments later, ruffling his already messy hair, dressed in a plain white T-shirt and a pair of plaid pajama bottoms. He looked cute. Always does.

"Breakfast?"

"Cereal," I said, looking down at my own and gesturing my spoon to the unopened cupboard. He didn't say anything, but just grabbed a bowl and moments later, began shoveling brown flakes into his mouth.

"Why did you have to wake up so fucking early?"

"Forgot about the alarm. I thought you went back to sleep anyways."

Jou shook his head, making his hair dance around his face, "Naw, I half heard it anyways, but I was hoping you might stay around for a bit of snuggling."

"Didn't feel like it this morning. Being woken up by an alarm doesn't really get you into a snuggling mood."

Jou nodded, "Indeed."

I folded the paper and left it on the kitchen table. "Any plans for today?"

"Haven't really thought about it."

Ah, early morning conversations, where you brain is just waking up, and the only words you can remember, are those that were taught to you in pre-school. It is what most of our conversations consisted of, unless some breaking news happened the day before, then it just kind of flows. Jou also hadn't had his shower, making him just a tad more sleepy then usual.

"What do you want to do today?" I didn't really care what we did, just as long as we went together, and got out of the house.

"Dunno," Jou shugged, "what is there to do in Domino?"

"Not much," I admitted. And that was the truth. Movies, arcade, those were things you did when you felt like going crazy. I felt like spending an afternoon with the person I loved more than anything…well…except for Mokuba. He was still lucky enough to be sleeping though.

Jou opened my folded paper to the events section. "Let us see. Car show?"

I shook my head.

"Yea, seems boring to me to. Hmm, water park, no, fair, not really. Want to just go out for lunch or something?"

Seemed like a good idea. Between working and school, we didn't ever really get to spend quality time together, except for late night rendezvous. But I had taken today off, hoping for an enjoyable afternoon. Looks like plans we back on track.

"I still need a shower, we can go after," a playful grin played on the Pup's lips, "Wanna join me?"

I turned my head to face him, obviously amused, "I already had a shower."

"But you are still dirty." He gave me a very hefty elevator stare.

"I most certainly am not," I said, adding a voice of offended sarcasm.

Jou walked over to me and gave me a light kiss. Damn, his lips always felt good. The shower idea became a bit lighter in my mind. Suddenly, me head felt unusually wet, and something was running down my cheek.

Jou placed his empty cereal bowl down on the table, and cheekily said, "See? I told you, you were dirty."

I rolled my eyes and chased him up the stairs.

Once again, I found myself in my room, with only my boxers on. Jou was somewhere in the bathroom, mumbling about only god knows what, and I was still trying to get tiny pieces of Cornflakes out of my hair. I smelled like breakfast. Damn.

Jou was already in the shower when I walked into the bathroom. "So where did you want to go for lunch?" It really didn't matter to me; I had been to most restaurants in Domino anyways, so whatever Jou chose was good for me. He wasn't answering me though.

"Katsuya?" I stepped closer to the shower, and roughly got pulled into it. I found myself sitting at the bottom of the spacious bathtub, swallowing a large amount of water, and inhaling the steam from the hot water. I open my eyes to see Jou infront of me, just grinning.

"Thanks," I said dully, with little emotion. He could have at least asked me to take my clothes off first. Did he not know that these boxers were dry clean only?

"You are a bit underdressed for the party richboy!" He laughed, obviously amused at his actions. I stood up under the showerhead. At least any remnants of Cornflakes would be gone from my hair now. I closed my eyes and ran my fingers through my soaked hair. Yup, most were gone.

I could feel someone's arms wrap around my waist and chest, and soon feather light kisses were being placed on my neck. Did I already mention his lips always felt good?

I sure didn't want to miss out on this. I turned around and placed one of my hands on the sexy crease in his back, where it is just meeting his hips. That was kind of my spot. I pushed my lips into his. He had the ability to make me want him when I wasn't even in the mood for anything.

"Like I said, you are a bit overdressed."

I could feel his hands sliding down my waist, and I could almost feel the grin through his lips as I kissed him a bit more roughly.

Needless to say, the boxers were soon left on the bathroom floor, completely forgotten about.

We had left around twelve. I figured if we had lunch, we could spend the rest of the day doing something else. I guess Jou had the same idea.

Like I said, we didn't really get out ver much. We had only been living together for two months, after dating for seven, but I swear, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this kid.

I turned my head away from the road for just a moment. The window was open, and Jou's hair was waving slightly. It looked sexy. He had just thrown on a T-shirt and a pair of jeans. That suited him just fine, he always looked good.

I turned my eyes back onto the road. Thank god for sunglasses. It was a nice day. I didn't really care how I looked, I just threw on a shirt, some pants, and a coat.

"Ever been there?"

I turned my eyes to take a look at where Jou pointed.

"Yea, it ain't that good. The sushi is alright though."

"Man, I am starving, just pull over so we can get some grub."

I laughed, "When are you not hungry?"

Jou turned his head to me, laughing aswell, "When we're fucking."

I shook my head, grinning, "Good answer."

"But I seriously am hungry Seto, I want some food."

"Alright," I began to look down the street I was on for a restaurant, "Just keep your eyes open then, and tell me when you see something."

"There is one over there." He was pointing to the left at an Indian restaurant.

"Sure." Like I said, I didn't really care where we ate.

"I have been meaning to ask you something Seto."

I took my eyes off the wheel again, and looked at him, "Shoot."

"Well…" He was hesitating. This couldn't be good, could it?

"Hey, you can tell me, I promise I won't get mad."

He looked right into my eyes, and gave me a weak smile. What was it that I could see behind his honey brown eyes? Fear? Sadness? Did Jou have any reason to feel bad?

"Well…" He started again. I already heard that part. "It is just-"

I never got to hear what he was going to say. I just saw his eyes widen in fear, and he shouted, "Kaiba! Look out!"

I snapped my head to the road again, making it hurt like hell. I didn't have enough response time though. My foot crashed against the brake, and I spun to the right. Not enough time. The truck honked its horn, and I could hear its breaks screech, trying to stop. I could feel a searing pain in my head, and then pure nothing.


	2. Waking

**This chapter was really hard for me to write, especially since I just got out of a car accident where a bus hit my vehicle. So I really do know what it feels like to wake up and not know where you are. I tried to put some of what I was feeling into Kaiba's thoughts and words, and I hope it makes this chapter a bit more realistic for me. For those of you waiting for a Collision Course update, just a tad longer. After missing a week of school, I need to catch up, so please bear with me. Thank you to all of my reviews on my last chapter. Anyways, enjoy.

* * *

**

Chapter Two

_These are my words  
That I've never said before  
I think I'm doing okay  
And this is the smile  
That I've never shown before  
Somebody shake me 'cause I  
I must be sleeping

* * *

_

I could feel light through my eyelids. Damn, I forgot about the alarm clock. After waking up yesterday with it blaring in my ear, I turned it off. I am sure Jou and I do not like early morning wakes…just snuggling.

Jou. Why did my stomach drop when I said his name? Did we not have a good time yesterday? The Indian food restaurant…wait. I don't remember eating at the restaurant. Oh my gods. Jou, the truck, I tried to brake, I turned the wheel…

I shot out of bed, and I heard a defining crash next to me. I looked over, and some god-forsaken machine had fallen onto the floor. Where was I? White walls; musty smell. I knew at once that I was in the hospital. A splitting pain broke my examining. I reached up and felt gauze stretched across the back of my scalp. Shit.

Where was Jou? I remember the look on his face of pure terror, and then falling into nothing.

"Jou?" I looked around. No one was in my small room. However, at the sound of my voice I suppose, a nurse came running in.

"Mr. Kaiba, you are up. Good good, now just lay back and relax, you do not want to hurt your head more. You arm is also broken."

I looked over. She was right, a cast was on my left arm, but I couldn't feel a thing, probably the reason why I didn't notice it in the first place.

"Where is Jou?" The words felt funny on my tongue, like I was uttering some fort of forbidden spell. She didn't answer me, only frowned.

"Where is Katsuya?"

She was crying now. No, don't cry. Please don't cry.

"I am sorry Mr. Kaiba."

I am sure all the colour in my face left me. My heart was beating very hard in my chest, and I was choking on the very air I was breathing.

"No, no what happened to him? I need to see him! I need to say sorry-"

"Mr. Kaiba, I am sorry, Jou isn't with us-"

I didn't let her finish. "Lies. Tell me the truth! Where is he!" I didn't care that I was shouting. She looked frightened, and I saw a doctor enter the door in my left.

I forget if I was shouting words, or just shouting, but I could feel such pain. A prick in my arm, and I looked over to see a needle. Blinding pain, then dark nothing.

* * *

There was no light when I woke up. I assumed it must have been night. I slowly opened my eyes. Someone was at the end of my bed, a nurse I suppose. I called out softly "Jou…"

At once she was by my side, whispering good things into my ear, but I did not want to hear about it.

Turns out it was about mid-afternoon. They wanted me to get rest, so the room was darkened

I turned to look at her, right into her eyes, "Where is Jou?" My voice was filled with sorrow and need, how could she deny me? "Please don't say he's dead."

She shook her head, "No Mr. Kaiba, Jounouchi is not dead." I let out a sigh at this part. Not dead, those words sound sweet to my closed ears.

"But…"

But? There was a but? That could never be good.

"He is in a coma. Head trauma, You were lucky to get out yourself with such minor injuries." Yes, a broken arm and a concussion, minor indeed.

"They don't expect him to ever wake up."

I just wanted to die. The first thing that came into my mind, was 'this is all my fucking fault.'

"Can you leave for a moment? I want to be alone…"

She was like an infection, reminding me of what I had done. But she just nodded her head, and went out the door, without saying a word.

When I heard the definite lock of the door, I grabbed the hard pillow I had been lying on, and helplessly, cried into it.

* * *

Mokuba visited me, but I didn't say anything. He just sat and held my hand. I don't think he minded; I was too busy staring at nothing. He said that the doctors would let me out in three days. I nodded, but did not say anything, I didn't think anything needed to be said.

"Do you want to see him?"

I turned to look at my brother. His hair was shorter than I remembered, a very long time ago, and his dark eyes were filled with sorrow and remorse. When had he grown up? Infront of my eyes and I had never even noticed. I did not want to see Jou, not now, not after all of this. I wanted to see him stuffing cereal into his mouth on a Saturday morning, hair all askew from the sleep before, or bathed in moonlight from the open window of my room, sleeping soundly. I did not want to see the person I gave my heart to on a hospital bed, living on machines. That I could not bear, not now.

I guess Mokuba took my silence as a no, but still, he sat holding my hand until visiting hours were over. Then he quietly got up and left.

* * *

I packed what little Mokuba had brought from home into my small duffel bag. It wasn't much, PJ's, extra clothes, toothbrush, things I needed to live. It was a bad job in the end because I ended up stuffing things roughly into the bag, my left arm not cooperating. What a fucking pain in the ass.

"The Limo is here, are you ready?" Mokuba stood at the door, looking at me. I simply nodded, and with my right hand, lifted my bag.

"Here, let me help you." He moved forward to grab my bag.

"No, I want to do it myself." It is bad enough I was here for four days, I did not need anyone else taking care of me. That I could do on my own.

"I thought we could stop and see Jou before we left."

I stopped walking, frozen in my steps. See him? I had not seen him yet. I was avoiding that part as much as I could.

"No, I just want to get home."

Mokuba gave me a sideways glance, "But you haven't been to see him yet Seto, I thought that you would want to."

"Well, I don't, OK?"

"Seto, you can't keep avoiding this, it isn't going to go away you know." Since when did a thirteen years old kid know so much?

"I told you I didn't want to see him, now would you just fuck off and leave me alone?" I never swear at my brother, I love him just too damn much. But the words just flew out of my mouth before I could stop them. Everything, the accident, and now Mokuba telling me I had to see Jou, I just didn't want to deal with it.

He gave me a cold stare, and didn't say anything. "I am going to go say good-bye to him."

He left, and as I watched him go, I almost fell to pieces. I had nothing left except for my brother, and to loose him would kill me.

I could hear a voice inside my head, _but Jou isn't dead, not yet._

They did not expect him to wake up, so he would sleep for eternity, same deal.

I threw my bag into the Limo, and waited for my brother to return. I was going back to a home haunted with past memories, how could I handle that?

I was glad Mokuba sat up front on the way home; he didn't have to see my tears.


	3. Life after the End

Chapter Three

"Can I have some friends over tonight? To play video games?"

Mokuba looked up at his me. I didn't see him much, I was usually working, or with some guy.

"How much is a few?" I asked, eyeing him.

"Don't know, three or four?"

I placed my briefcase onto the table, and opened it, "I don't know, I thought that Dave could come over for supper."

At this, Mokuba's dark eyes lowered. "Oh..." was his only reply to my statement. He plopped himself down in a comfy armchair, and played with the string on his pants.

"You don't like him, do you?"

"It isn't that, It is just…Seto, I am fourteen, almost fifteen. Everytime he walks by me, he ruffles my hair, and when he talks to me, it is like I am three again."

I frowned. Mokuba was always like this, which made it almost impossible for me to get into a relationship with anyone.

"It is ok, I don't have to see him anymore."

"No!" Mokuba ran over to me, "I didn't mean it like that, I want you to be happy."

I shook my head, "No, I was us to be happy, and I need your approval on these kinds of things, Believe me, it is ok."

"I said I liked him…but he isn't like-"

He stopped here and looked up at me again. I didn't look back, but pretended to look through some papers I had picked out of my briefcase. I knew what he was going to say.

"Seto, I am sorry."

"It is ok," I said softly, trying hard to keep myself together, "You can have some friends over tonight, I have a lot of work to do. Go on, give them a call." Or in other words, I wanted to be alone right now.

He got the hint, and ran upstairs. Once I heard the door to his room close, I sat down in the chair my little brother had previously sat it. _He isn't like Jou_, I thought. But then again, no one was. My life had fallen to pieces since a year and a half ago. Nothing was the same. I couldn't keep relationships, Mokuba and I had gotten further away. He was a teen now, and his older brother was left alone.

I rubbed my temples to get these thoughts out of my head. The fact that I hadn't even seen my used-to-be boyfriend since he was…well…alive bothered most people. But I couldn't survive that. If his fucking mother would just take him off life support…

Fuck it, fuck it all. I kicked an ottoman in frustration. Everything was so damn complicated.

* * *

I broke it off with Dave, who I had been seeing for what, two weeks? That went well, but it was expected. Mokuba and I were the same like that, waiting for a clone of Jou to walk through our front door and fill the gap in our lives. It would take a fucking miracle for anyone to be able to do that. 

As usual, I got dressed and went to the bar. It was a Friday night, and I made a point of always taking Saturday off. This was, I could drown my troubles in several glasses of scotch and then wake up the next morning, with a pounding headache. Glad to be back on schedule.

I parked my corvette in a spot, making sure the doors were locked.

Randy, the bartender, who knew my by name, drink, address and personal life, said hello, handed me the usual. Usual seat, Usual newspaper, and usual load of bullshit that goes on in this dump. But like I said, fuck it all.

* * *

I downed about half a bottle of Tylenol, and lay back down in bed the next morning. I always had to pay for the night's misgivings. 

Fuck, someone was in my bed. Who had I brought home tonight? He had dark hair, and tanned skin, probably Italian. I looked at him for a moment, and then saw him stir.

"Who the fuck are you?" I hadn't meant to be that rude, but I had a headache the size of Manhattan, and I just want to go back to bed.

"Kevin," was his reply. That told me a lot.

"Why are you in my bed?"

"You took me home last night and-"

I put my hand up, "Don't tell me, I remember." Not; do I ever remember anything. "Whatever, just get dressed and get out…please." There, I added please, I am polite.

"The best fucks are always the biggest jerks, aren't they?"

"I wouldn't know, just leave," I said, more into my pillow than anything else. I heard the door close, and I took it he was gone. Good. Now I had a whole Saturday to do absolutely nothing, except wallow in self-pity.

"Did you have a good night?" Mokuba was pouring milk onto his Cornflakes, as I walked in, in my boxers.

"Not really, you?"

"I had an ok time." He began to shuffle the cereal into his mouth.

"What time did your friends go home?" I asked, ruffling the mess that was my hair.

"Around one, Ethan drove over here, so he just drove everyone home."

I nodded but didn't say anything, just grabbed the Cornflakes, and began to exit the kitchen.

"Back to sleep?"

I nodded, stuffing dry cereal into my mouth, heading out the door.

"If the phone rings, tell them I am at work or something."

"Everyone knows you don't work on Saturday."

"Then tell them I am out, just don't let anyone bother me."

I could see him out of the corner of my eye. He shook his head, and rolled his eyes, but I knew he would do as I asked.

I came to my room, and dropped the empty cereal box beside my bed. I hoped that when I woke up, my headache would be gone, but snuggling under my covers, I doubted this.

* * *

"Seto, Psst, Seto." 

I opened my eyes halfway. Someone was whispering in my ear. Might as well just talk normally if you are going to wake me up. Yup, headache still intact.

"What do you want?" I said, turning towards the form of my younger brother.

"Phone call."

I growled and covered my head with a pillow. "Didn't I tell you to let me sleep? I am not taking phone calls." I am sure he heard me, but he still didn't listen.

"But Seto, please…take this call."

I sat up and looked at him. "But why…" The words died on my lips. Something was clearly bothering my brother, for he was very pale, and look scared.

"Mokuba, what is it?" I asked with genuine concern.

He didn't say anything, but he handed me the cordless phone.

"Hello?" My voice was raspy from just waking up.

"Kaiba, it is Yuugi."

I turned to Mokuba, with a confused look on my face. Why was a phone call from Yuugi so important?

"What do you want?" I said, hopping out of bed and reaching for my housecoat.

There was silence for a moment, and then he spoke again. "It is Jou…he woke up."

I was barely aware of the _clunk_, as the phone hit the floor.


	4. Becomming Dead

**Wow, am I bad. Erm, sorry for the late update. I actually started this chapter a longer time ago, and then I just had to Finish Collision Course. And of course, do the sequel (which all of you should check out! It will be juicy!) But FINALLY, after MONTHS, I have finished this chapter. Writing should be easier from now on, because I have established a plot. I wouldn't be surprised if you guys had to go over the first three chapters, I know I did -smacks self-. Anywho, tell me what you think, leave me a review, do what you usually do eh. And, erm, I'll try to be quicker with chapter 5. Tootles Loves!**

Chapter Four

* * *

_These are my words  
That I've never said before  
I think I'm doing okay  
and this is the smile  
that I've never shown before

* * *

_

How do you go on with your life when you have lost the person who means most to you? For the past year and a half, that is what I was thinking. Jou meant the world to me, and then in a matter of seconds, he was just…gone. It was my fault, and he wouldn't ever be there for me again. I had to pick up the remainders of what he left behind, and move on. Continue my business, caring for my brother, all of those things. I was empty though, and I thought I never would be the same. In ways I wasn't. I did things like I did not care at all. It was like, if someone put a gun to my head, I would just stand there, and take the bullet.

So when I heard Yuugi's voice, telling me that Jou was awake, it was almost like I was back where I was, a year an a half ago. What did I do that morning? I could hardly remember. We were going to go out for lunch; we had sex in the shower, the accident…

Would Jou ever be the same? Would he remember who I was?

I turned to look at Mokuba. He was pale. "Are you ok Seto?"

I did not know. It was like someone punched me hard in the chest, and I was still recovering from the blow.

"Are you going to see him?"

I didn't say anything, but just nodded. I had to, didn't I? I needed to see him. For all he knew, we were still going out. It was not his fault I thought he would never awaken. Damn those thoughts, Damn me, why did I ever doubt him? Probably because my heart had broken, and I thought by moving on, I could forget what I had done. I guess that didn't work.

I hopped into my car, and was on my way to the hospital. Funny, I hadn't seen Jou since he was alive, or what I considered to be alive. I just knew I could not bear to see him lying in the hospital. Jou wasn't himself unless he was smiling, or stuffing food into his mouth. Even when he was sleeping, he looked alive. So, I did not want to see him, hooked up to a machine, instead of being his carefree self.

The hospital was like a prison. When I walked it, it smelled like a thousand people had died. I shivered slightly, remembering that I was here once, almost dead, having other people take care of me.

I heard Yuugi before I saw him. He was talking to a nurse. He also looked pale. I suppose it was wrong of me to pretend to be so strong, when inside, I was screaming. But that was me, good old unemotional Kaiba.

"Kaiba, I am so glad you are here."

Yuugi was so short, I almost forgot. It isn't like we saw each other one a regular basis. The only thing we really had in common was Jou, and he wasn't there. "What happened?" My voice sounded too normal for what was going on around me.

"He just opened his eyes, they can't explain it. I haven't seen him yet though."

"Oh." What else was I supposed to say?

"Do you want to see him first?"

I looked sharply at Yuugi. Is this why he had not seen his best friend? He wanted me to see him? Why? So if Jou went insane, he would not have to be the one to see him so. Or was it because Yuugi understood what we had, and respected it? That couldn't be it. After all, it was Yuugi who spent days on end beside Jou's bed, not Seto, no; I had not been in to see him once.

"I don't blame you, you know Kaiba?"

I already knew that. I did not expect Yuugi to hold a grudge against me.

"I know you loved him, I don't blame you. Go on, go see him."

I nodded, not trusting my voice.

The room was darkened, but I could see someone by Jou's side. It was a nurse, I guessed. She was speaking softly to him, and I could see his form, sitting up in bed.

Now up to this point, I wasn't nervous, just scared that this was all some kind of hoax, and someone would jump out and me and shout "Surprise! You fell for it fool." That never happened to say the least. But now I felt scared, terrified. What would Jou say when he saw me? When he heard that I had not been to see him? That the person he thought was strong, was really too weak to be by his lovers side? He did not have to know that, at least not yet. All I wanted to do was hold him, to run away. To tell him I missed him, and then leave him again. My head was filled with thoughts and feelings that were new to me, and they were all jumbled together, like a puzzle that still needs to be put together again.

"Oh, are you here to see Jounouchi?"

I jumped at her voice, and scowled at her foolishness. _No, _I thought,_ I decided to randomly take a stroll into hospital rooms; it is a hobby of mine._

"Yes." It was like a whisper, but I am sure she heard me.

"Ok, he is better now. I don't know if he can fully function yet, but we will see. Keep the lights off as well, his eyes are not yet adjusted to the light." She left the room. I didn't know if it was such a good idea for me to be in here, with someone who just woke up from a coma, after a year and a half. I wondered if Jou remembered anything about the accident.

He was rubbing his eyes, like he had just woken up from a very long nap. At this point, I had lost any feeling throughout my body, and a cold numbness set over me. He turned his head, and I could now see his eyes. I lost every sense in my body.

"They told me I was here for awhile. Man, am I stiff."

Ok, so he knew Japanese, good. He also knew who he was; he had not lost his mind, which was also good.

"I can't see worth of shit. Come closer."

Somehow, I moved my legs. "Jou?" I whispered it, afraid that the sound of my voice might hurt his ears. I knew he could see me now. I was looking at him, sitting up in his hospital bed. I noticed how his chest moved rhythmically up and down, each time he blinked, how a draft in the room ruffled the hair in front of his eyes. God, I missed the little things.

"Who are you?"

His words hit me like a baseball bat to the head. "Jou, it is me, Seto."

He struggled, as if trying to learn something new. I prayed that he would remember my name.

"Seto who?"

There it was. I knew it was too good to be true.

"Jou, it is me, don't you remember?"

He rubbed his head with his right hand, deep in thought. "I don't…I can't remember much. The nurse told me I was in an accident, and I was here for awhile. I don't remember the accident, and I don't remember much before. I remember…my sister, my school, some of my teachers, I think."

I listened to him listing off the ideals of his life that must have been stuck in his mind. Surely, he would remember his partner; surely I would not have to remind him who I was.

"Are we friends?"

I swallowed hard, "Yes. Jou, think harder, I was in the accident too, you have to remember me." It was a plea. I was pleading with him to remember who I was, and what I was doing there.

"Yugi, I could always hear Yugi's voice. He told me everything would be ok, he told me what was going on. I remember that."

Was I such a foolish person, that I could not even have looked at him when he was ill? Was this what made him forget who I was, the lack of contact, when he needed me beside him? No, he was in a coma, he was unresponsive, that couldn't be it.

"Seto?"

"Yes?" I said, eagerness ever present in my voice.

"I don't remember a Seto."

That killed me. Have you ever had your heart broken twice? By the same person? When Jou went into a coma, he killed what little emotion I had inside of me. Now he was doing it all over again. Jou hardly remembered my name; he didn't see what we had. What we went through, when we first started dating. The ridicule everyone showered upon us, how we fought to make it work. We had gotten so far, and he had just forgotten?

I was mad at him, mad that he could remember the little things, like his teacher, but not remember the name of someone who loved him so much that he would die for him. And I was angry at myself. Angry that I could not even see through my own selfish ways, to see the person I said I had loved. He was in pain, but I was absorbed in self indulgence, that I would not recognize when he needed me.

At this I left the room in a fit of fury. I didn't even talk to Yuugi as I made my way out.

"Kaiba, what-"

I just left him standing there. I could not deal with it all. I thought I had finally put that behind me. Well, not Jou of course, he would always be a part of me, but I had tried to hold back what had happened. He didn't remember who I was?

I burst into the bathroom off the lobby. Good, no one was in here. I locked the door and almost passed out. I had not been eating, I barely sleep, and now this? My reflection looked back at me through the mirror. How long had it been since I had looked at myself? I suppose I did not have a reason to even try and look good anymore. I was full of anguish, and hate. I looked at the replica in the mirror, and hated who I had become, hated who I was. I was so filled with hate; for the world, for the people, but mostly, for myself. Then I did something I hadn't done in a long time. I sat down, and cried.

* * *

I finally made it back. Well, not quite, I found myself outside of Jou's door. I knew I needed to explain things to him. Poor boy. At least he had not forgotten Japanese; I would have surely killed myself.

I could hear voices inside the room. No doubt it was Yuugi, trying to calm his best friend.

Knock on the door. Just walk in, pretend that everything is ok. Even though things are horribly fucked up right now, we can pretend. I am good at that, I pretend to care about things all the time; you just learn to tune people out. Anyways, Jou was probably just REALLY screwed in the head, I mean, he just got out of a coma, things can happen. I'll take him home, and in the morning, things will be back to the way they were… Right Seto.

"Come in." Defiantly Yuugi, I could tell by his high pitched girly voice.

Jou was rubbing his head. He looked up at me, with no hint of recognition in his eyes. C'mon Seto, you have to suck it up. It is not his fault.

"Jou, this is Seto. Do you remember Seto?"

Jou shook his head, "Not really. But, I don't remember a lot of things right now."

"When is he allowed out?"

Yuugi spoke, "The doctor said he would be ok in a week, but he still has to learn a lot of things."

"Right, I'll come get him next week then."

"Ok, well…Wait, Seto, you can't take him to your house?"

What the fuck? Why the hell not? He is still technically my boyfriend, and he lived with me before the accident, so he better fucking come home. "Why not?"

"Well, he doesn't remember you Seto; he should go back to his Dad's house.

His Dad? Had Yuugi ever met Jou's Dad? He could hardly walk a straight line; he would never take care of his ill son. "Obviously you have not met Mr. Jounouchi. No Yuugi, he is my responsibility, I will take him home. He is safe at my house, and I have the time to look after him."

"But Seto-"

"Don't argue with me Yuugi, I am not in the mood for this. Don't you know I am trying to do the best for him?"

Jou was looking at me like I had lost my mind. Heh, more like the other way around. I mean, I would be scared if I was going to someone's house, and I had no clue who they were. But I would make him understand who I was, and make everything the same as it was.

"I am leaving now. Jou? I'll visit you tomorrow."

Jou looked up at me. "Ok?"

Should I give him a kiss good-bye? A hug? A handshake? In the end, I just smiled at him and left.

This was going to be a hard journey. I had to teach the kid everything. And now I was wondering what exactly he remembered and forgot. He only remembered Yuugi because he was talking to him at least everyday when he was in the hospital.

Did he ever love me? How could you forget the person you said you loved? Or what I was asking myself…

Could I make him love me again?


	5. Waves and Fireworks

**I know I know, it is short. But I wanted to get SOMETHING out, so you know the story didn't die again. Thank you all for the reviews on the last chapter by the way. I always love reading them. Anyways, an update for CCII will come probably before the next chapter for this story. I might end up doing one story chapter at a time. So, after the update for CCII, expect one for this story. Ciao!**

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* * *

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**Chapter 5**

As it turned out, I was true to my word. I did visit Jou, and I visited him the next day. Of course, I didn't actually tell him anything he didn't know already. I assumed that too much at once would fry his brain. But I did try to make him remember who I was.

"Seto right?"

"Yea Jou, that's me. It is good you remember my name."

"Aren't we going to be living together?"

"For a bit, yea. You know, you used to live with me before the accident."

"I think Yuugi told me that. He said you live in a big house."

I smiled, "Yea, it's pretty big. I have a lot of your stuff there now."

"When can I leave?"

I had asked the nurse when I came in, when this would be. I mean, Jou was in a coma for the longest time, of course I didn't expect him to be waltzing out in two days. She had told me a week, to a week and a half. Sounded good.

"About a week."

"How many days is that?"

I sighed, "That's seven Jou."

"Seven, right.

"Do you remember anything? From before the accident?"

"Not really. Well I remember some stuff. I don't even remember the accident to tell you the truth. But I remember a man, I was afraid of him, I don't know who he was though. I remember a small boy with dark hair. There was a house on the beach once, I remember sitting on the porch and drinking juice. I could hear the waves."

"You and I, we took a vacation there. Two summers ago, that's when we went."

"Oh, ok then, I remember bits and pieces of that. I suppose we had a good time."

I thought back to that day. The cottage was on the west coast, on a small lake that fed into the ocean. One of my business partners, who was grateful for something I had done for them, gave me the keys, and told me to take a break. Without a second though, I had packed, and the three of us had taken a plane over there. It was nice to get away, and we had such a good time. It made sense for Jou to remember that. However, he didn't remember me, and I was there with him.

"Do you remember who went with you?"

"Yea," he thought for a moment, "That kid with the dark hair was there. I remember him playing in the waves."

"That is my younger brother, Mokuba. You remember him?"

"I remember that name. I remember him saying good-bye to me. I think he was crying."

The day I had left the hospital, Mokuba had gone to say good-bye to Jou. But that was only days after the accident. Did Jou remember everything everyone had said? "What else do you remember?"

He spent a moment in thought again, "I remember a bunch of bright lights, going off at once. They were in the sky. That kid, Mokuba, I remember him saying 'this is the start of a new year Jou; I know it will be awesome.' But everywhere, there were those lights, making noise, and brilliant pictures in the sky."

New Year's Eve. I had a little shin-dig at my house, for my employees, Jou's friends, and of course, us. We had a bit too much to drink, but it was a good night. After, everyone had left, we had fallen asleep outside on the blanket, and had woken up to see the sunrise.

"That was New Years Eve; we spent that at my house."

"Your name, Yuugi mentioned it."

"Me? He was talking about me?"

He nodded, "Yea, he said 'Seto just needs to find himself Jou, but he would never forget about you. He loved you, but he would never tell anyone but you that.'"

I swallowed. Yuugi had said that to Jou? And Jou still didn't remember who I was?

"I thought he was kidding of course. I didn't remember a Seto after awhile. He kept mentioning your name, but I had no idea who you were, or why Yuugi was saying these things. It just made no sense to me."

What the fuck was I supposed to say to that? 'Oh yea, I was too wrapped up in everything else I was doing, which was nothing, to talk to you, Sorry about that.'

"If you knew me, why didn't you visit me?"

I was looking at my hands now. I didn't care to look him in the eyes. Should I tell him the truth? Would that mean anything to him? Would he understand it?

"I…" Now that I was faced with this question, I didn't know how I was supposed to answer it. Every excuse I had would be followed by a better reason as to why it didn't make sense. Could I admit to myself, that it was because I was too selfish? Too self-absorbed? Too stupid? "I don't know." And it was true, I didn't know right now.

"Oh, alright then."

There was a moment of silence, where we were wrapped in our own thoughts. A nurse walked in.

"Visiting hours are over in five minutes."

I nodded ok, and got up to leave.

"Wait, Seto."

Jou was pulling on my sleeve.

"Come back tomorrow, please?"

"Why?" I blurted out, wishing I hadn't.

"Because, I want to remember who you are."

"Oh…kay…" He didn't say anything more, but looked out the window, snuggling under his covers, ready for a nap. I said good-bye, and headed out the hospital doors.

* * *

"How did it go?" I looked up to see Mokuba staring at me.

"It went ok. He doesn't remember stuff. He remembered you though."

"Really?" He thought about this for a moment. It probably interested him to know he was remembered. I didn't remind him that Jou still didn't remember me though.

"Yea, I am going to bed."

Mokuba looked at his watch, "It is only nine?"

"I know, I am tired though. I didn't sleep last night."

I think my brother knew why, "Alright Seto, I'll keep everything quiet then."

"Thanks." I headed up the stairs to my room.

Everything looked the same. I realized this as I walked in. I had never changed this room. Ever since my Step-Father died, it still held the same furniture, in the same positions. The bed hangings were the same colour. The only thing that had changed, were the sheets I slept on, and that was only because I wouldn't dare sleep on the same filth as he had.

The room felt cold and lonely suddenly. How many nights had I spent with guys I did not know the name of? And it only occurred to me now, that nothing had filled the gap that Jou had created. Well, not just now, I knew that it was always there. But it just hit me with its full force now. And he didn't even remember my name.

_Because, I want to remember who you are._

Well, it was a start.

* * *

A/N: I know that my spelling has not always been top shape, but there are some words I spell right, but some of you THINK, I have spelled them wrong. For example : Colour. Americans ( and Word) spell it color, but I assure you, this is a proper way to spell it. It is the Canadian way if you will. Flavour, neighbour, programme etc. Are other words that aren't American, so when you see any of these, just think of your Canadian Mistress, and know that they are correct 


	6. But Not Quite

Chapter 6

It actually took Jou a lot longer than expected to get out of the hospital. He had to learn a lot of things, not only things he forgot when he was in a coma, but things his body wasn't used to.

He had lost a lot of muscle in his legs, being bedridden for so long. I took him walking a few times, and it was hard to watch. He took baby steps, like a child learning how to use their legs for the first time. He needed to build up his strength before he went home with me.

So, everyday when I went to the hospital, we would talk for a bit and then walk down the hallways.

He was eating solid foods soon. The IV was still in his hand, because he needed the extra sugars, but he was able to eat. No steak and potatoes mind you, but food that wouldn't have to be put in a blender. This whole food thing was another journey as well.

"What's this?" Jou held up a fork in his hand. I wanted to smack the back of his head, and exclaim, 'foolish boy, remember how you would shovel forkfuls of food into your mouth at every meal? You have to remember what THAT is.' But I didn't.

"It is a fork Jou, you eat with it."

He looked at the foreign object, and then at me, somehow, missing the piece of the puzzle.

"Here, I'll show you." I stabbed a carrot on his plate, and shoved it into my mouth. When I gave it back to him, he did the same.

"Exactly."

However, the poor plate got quite a beating, being stabbed a number of times with that fork. Although, I had to admit, watching him murder the plate was quite funny, and for the first time in 18 months, I found myself genuinely smiling.

* * *

I imagined that if I ever had a child, this is how it would be like. Teaching them how to brush their teeth, go to the bathroom. Telling them to eat everything on their plate, and comb out their hair. But I must say, I did a pretty good job. I mean, I didn't exactly have a father figure I could have looked up to, but I understood what needed to be done. Having a kid wouldn't be that bad. 'Well,' I thought, 'Jou didn't exactly wake me up at 3am and want to be fed.'

I talked to Yuugi when he came to visit. Even some of Jou's other loser friends came along, and he remembered bits and pieces of their lives. Again, probably because they came and saw him at least once a week when he was in here.

Anzu, the yippy girl I remember from dueling both Yuugi and Jou came often with Yuugi. She didn't look different, and she didn't seem to hate me as much as that bloke Honda did. He glared at me anytime I looked his way. I had always assumed that he had a thing for Jou, but I never really knew. I suppose he was glaring at me, because of my absence in this whole situation. I didn't really care to tell you the truth.

I saw Bakura once and Otogi a few times. But I never saw anyone from Jou's family. I mean, I knew who his father was; I had met him on more than one occasion. He had thrown a lamp at me that day Jou moved out of his house, and I never saw him again. Good riddance, in my opinion.

I had never met his mother, and I had met him sister rarely. I knew Jou was angry at his mother for the divorce, but I also knew he loved his sister very much. Come to think about it, he hadn't mentioned her yet. This concerned me.

"Do you remember your sister Jou?" I asked him, on one of my visits.

"Shizuka? I remember her. I will always remember my sister Seto."

I suppose I had some comfort in this, but not much. And you can very well guess why this bothered me.

I asked him again what he remembered. It seemed like, as the days went on, bits and pieces of his memory came back. It was a slow process, but one that gave me hope; hope that one day, he would remember his feelings for me.

"What do you remember now?"

Jou spoke of a picnic with his sister and mom. He talked about the beach house again, watching Mokuba splashing in the waves. For the first time, he spoke of his father. I had assumed that he was the dark man he had talked about earlier, and he spoke about him, with assured fear and remorse. No wonder, Jou's dad was usually drunk and abusive.

"I remember walking out of my house. I think it was the last time I saw my dad, because I can't remember anything after that. There was a man waiting by a car. He embraced me, and then we drove off."

I snapped my head up when I heard this, "Do you remember anything about that guy? The one you said embraced you?"

Jou struggled with his thoughts again, "No, not really. He was tall though, taller than me."

Should I tell him I was that man? Or should I let him figure it out for himself? I assumed his memory would comeback, so I left it there. By this time, visiting hours were over, so I grabbed my things, gave Jou a wave, and left the hospital.

* * *

It was hell, when we first started dating. I hadn't really told Jou how I had felt about him. I mean, I didn't really tell anyone when I was feeling anything. I can't explain it really; I guess it is just one of those things that happen. You know, someone asks you ten years from now how the cheerleader and the band geek ended up getting married, and you need to ramble on about this and that after school was over, and how they met in college. Well, I guess I am getting carried away now. But it DID just happen, for the record. It was AFTER it happened that things got bad.

Jou was always someone who valued his friends. I, never having any, didn't really know what to expect out of a relationship, so I just went with the flow. Unfortunately, the flow consisted of lurking around when we could, going out late at night, making excuses to friends and family about our absences.

My first task was to tell my brother. I would never do anything unless Mokuba was ok with it, because he did mean the world to me. I mean, Jou does too, but it wasn't like that at first. Anyways, I didn't know how my brother would react to me, you know, being gay and all. So, I broke it to him slowly. I was relieved to find that he didn't care at all. Actually, I remember what he said to me.

"As long as you are happy Seto that is all that matters. How you get there is unimportant…unless you are doing anything illegal."

As for the relationship itself? THAT was the complicated thing. You might be surprised to find out we did get along on our 'outings'. We rarely fought, quarreled sometimes, but never fought. But on a physical level, I would have better chances growing wings and flying to the moon.

I do remember our first kiss however. Sort of ridiculously romantic in its own way. We were at my house, mansion, whatever, watching TV. Well Jou was watching TV, I was looking at Jou. He seemed content to flip channels, but I was content to stare at him. It is going to sound dumb, but the kid has really long eyelashes. It is quite adorable actually. Well, the light from the TV was reflecting on his face, which in itself was a beautiful thing.

"Jou."

He didn't let his eyes stray away from the screen, but gave a quiet "Hmm?"

"Look at me for a second."

"Alright, one sec."

"No, look at me now."

He turned his head, finally taking his eyes off the cartoon images projecting themselves around the room.

It just kind of happened. I leaned in, and just kissed him. I think he was startled at first, but he didn't seem to mind it. My hands ran through his golden locks, and his hands found their way to my neck. We spent the next twenty minutes getting to know each others mouths, necks, ears, basically anything we could get our lips attached to.

It was all really easy after that. I think we got over that initial tension that goes on with any relationship in the beginning, but I was determined to make that work.

I think it is why I have so much faith in Jou now. The beginnings are always rough, but I know we can make it work…

* * *

"I think I have everything. This bag could supply enough stuffed animals for an entire toy store."

"Let me carry it." The last thing I needed was for Jou to break a leg before we even made it out of the hospital. He gave me the bag, along with anything else that would render him unable to walk with his two feet, and hobbled over to the door.

"I think I am going to get you a wheelchair, I don't want you to trip."

"Seriously Seto, I am fine. I can walk, I promise."

I still didn't want him to walk without at least _some_ help. Maybe a cane…

"Are you coming or not? I want to leave now."

Makes sense, the kid wanted to leave the hospital. Wonder why, the place was so nice and cozy, what, with its white walls, and Windex-like smell, he only spent nineteen months in the place after all…

"Yea, I am coming."

* * *

"Nice, nice place." Jou was looking at the marble pillars of the Kaiba Mansion. It would be a LONG time before I took him anywhere. The ride home was full of "What's that?" and, "What are they doing?" questions. My head was throbbing just thinking about it.

"Don't trip up the stairs. Want some help?"

"I am fine, I won't trip."

I didn't really believe him, but I let Jou get away with it.

"Do you remember this place at all?"

"I think so…maybe not…I forget."

"I'll show you around, you might remember something." I had confidence in that plan. A lot went down at my house; he was bound to remember something…

So, truth be told, I told Jou we were friends. I never told him we used to date, to make love, whatever. I thought he just needed to get used to everything new, before telling him that. But it was no secret that a part of me wanted him to fall in love again, fall in love with me. Or, at least remember our love…

I was snapped back to attention by my brother. Mokuba had just come down the main staircase, delighted to see Jou at our home once again. I think Jou was interested more, on one of the paintings on the wall, but he embraced my brother all the same.

Bad idea to put me and Jou in the same room so soon, so he had one of the spare bedrooms down the hall, close enough to me so I wouldn't worry where he was in the middle of the night, but far enough away, so he had time to adjust to this.

"The bed is comfy." Jou was sitting on the queen size bed, patting it with interest.

"I am sure anything is comfy after your hospital bed. Why don't you get some sleep now? I know it is only eight, but you have an appointment with your therapist tomorrow at ten, and I am sure you would want to sleep way past then."

"Yea, he said I am ok to walk now, but he wants to make sure I can move all my joints."

I nodded, "Your pajamas are in your bag," I opened his duffle up, and handed him his folded jams, "I'll wake you up tomorrow so you have the time to get ready before Dr. Takaki gets here."

Jou was already making his way into his night attire, and once he was situated in bed, I turned the lights off.

"Night Seto."

I smiled, "good night Jou."

It was almost like old times. Well, except my boyfriend was in the room across the hall, and he had no idea he was my boyfriend really. Almost like old times, but not quite.

* * *

A/N: I know, slow update, been busy as of late. Kaiba might seem a tad OOC, but oh well. Anywho, off to bed...


	7. Hate

_Italics_ are flashbacks.

* * *

Chapter 6

I am sure Jou felt like a kid in a candy store. Everything was new and exciting for him. The next morning, I woke him for his appointment with his therapist. After that, I took it upon myself to show him around. It was like an adventure on my behalf too, I just never knew what the kid would remember or forget.

Television for example. Jou knew what it was, and he even remembered pieces of his favourite shows. He didn't understand the microwave at first, or the computer, but I think he either got used to those, or remembered them anyways.

I had to always keep an eye on him; else he would wander off to some other spot in the house where I could never find him. I am sure he found this amusing to say the least, but I lost it almost every time I couldn't find him, afraid he had gotten into something harmful, toxic, dangerous, and would not be able to get out.

Mokuba liked having another body in the house as well. He and Jou would spend hours playing videogames and watching movies. This I did not mind, as long as Jou was always asking questions, getting answers, and learning about the world around him.

At least everybody was accepting to this change, or at least, having him in the house. It didn't always used to be this way.

_"I don't think I can do this…"_

_"You'll be fine, seriously. He is accepting, you have no idea. Please, you said you would come. Do it? For me?"_

_"I am having second thoughts about this, but alright."_

_"Can I help you boys?"_

_"Can I see-"_

_"He's in his room, go up and see him."_

_The stairs felt like miles upon tired feet. The door at the top of the case was like my impending doom, a monster hidden behind it._

_"You know how I said I was seeing someone? I wasn't lying…I just didn't know how to tell you."_

_"It's ok, really, I understand."_

_"You do?"_

_"You can't explain love, it just works. As long as everything is fine, and you are happy, so am I. I want to see how this works out."_

_"I think it could work out.** You** think so too?"_

_"I suppose…I hope…"_

_"See, we are on the right track already!"_

_"You are always so optimistic; I don't know how you do it."_

_"It is just easier to be pessimistic…"_

_"Are you saying I take the easy way out?"_

_"Ha-ha, no, I didn't mean it that way. Think of it like this. I am here to show you the good life. You have had enough of the bad; it is time for the good."_

"Seto?"

I snapped out of my thoughts, "Hmm?"

"I said, Jou is hungry, and so am I. Can we get some food?"

"Yea, sure Mokuba, I'll order in."  
"Can we go out please?"

"Alright, hurry up and get ready."

I made my way up to Jou's room. He was sitting on his bed, holding a book upside down. I smiled, "Jou, what are you doing?"

"Man Seto, I can read like, half the words in the book, and actually understand them!"

I had to laugh, "Good for you, now just imagine if you were holding the book the right way, you might be able to read it in its entirety.

You know that look Einstein must have had, when he discovered the theory of relativity, one of those dumbstruck 'Eureka! I have it!' looks? That was kind of like how Jou was. I think he was so startled to realize he actually had not forgotten something, he surprised even himself.

"Wow this is actually quite amazing…"

"Get dressed; we are going out for dinner."

"Really? Where?"

I shrugged my shoulders, "I have no clue, just out. Now hurry or we'll leave you behind."

I closed the door, images that blonde scrambling to get his clothes on. Should I trust him to dress himself? Sure, why not, if he looks foolish, who cares, I am sure Jou would like to go through a day without everyone fussing over how he looks, if he looks presentable. Tonight was a lazy night, I just wanted to walk someplace cozy, get a meal, and eat in the park.

The park…

* * *

_"Here? N-now? But anyone could be watching…"_

_"That's the fun part. Don't know if you will get caught, don't know when you will get caught. Sort of arousing, isn't it?"_

_"Not really…"_

_"Will you just shut up and kiss me already?"_

_Not like I was one to follow orders, but that sounded reasonable. I was just freaked out, one of his friends could just come strolling by, and they didn't even know about it yet…_

_Jou put his hand on the back of my head, and forced my mouth to his. I guess I was talking too long. I soon forgot about that. His other hand was making traces about my neck, tickling my senses. His lips felt so soft, and I put my hand on the crease of his back to pull him closer. His tongue now made its way into my mouth, and was prodding around. I accepted this, and explored his mouth in return. _

_We had never kissed like this, in public, our hearts on our sleeves. But there was something about the situation that made me not care in the least. Made me think that the moment would last forever…

* * *

_

"I forgot about that place. Me and Seto used to go there when he had days off to get fries and milkshakes. I think that was before he started to drive, it was just a walk over. Anyways Jou, you will never get fries like these anyplace else in the world."

I watched as Jou shoved a few into his mouth, "They are good."

His appetite was almost returning to normal, but I was still told to give him foods that were easier to digest. Nothing like steak, or salad. Stuff like Potatoes, rice, chicken, things you give a one year old when they are just getting off baby food. Thank god things didn't come to Jou eating that mush. I mean, I still loved the kid, but I didn't really feel like spoon feeding him…

It was a decent day out, hot, bit breezy, but livable. We walked around the park, twice I think, and then headed home. Just because Jou could walk now, didn't mean he had to. I was still a little cautious on whatever he was doing. He seemed fragile to me, well, like a child. Jou was now my child, and it was my duty to take care of him to the best of my abilities. After all, it was my fault that…

Well, enough on that. I had Jou in bed at around 8ish, he seemed tired after being up and about the whole day. It was much different than being stuck in a hospital bed. I was thinking about heading in early too, I had my work to do tomorrow. I did have Jou to take care of, but I needed to run a company. I would do what I could from my laptop, and when the need arose, I could just go into my office to get things solved.

I was thinking about this as I made my way upstairs. I hadn't made it to the fifth step when the doorbell rang. I looked around; no one seemed to be near me. Maybe if I just pretended I had no heard it… Fuck, there it was again. Might as well get it, just babble to whoever it was, vacuum salesman, whatever, tell them to fuck off and be on my merry way.

"Oh, hi Seto, I hope I didn't wake you." Yuugi stared innocently up at me.

"No, I wasn't asleep yet."

"I just thought I would check on you, you know, with Jou and all."

Was I now obligated to let him in? "He is in bed. Uhh, you can come in if you want though, I could tell you how he is doing."

The boy bounded happily in, "Sure."

"I'll get someone to bring us something to drink. First door on your right."

I left to find a servant. Great, now I had Yuugi to entertain for the night. Jou was only out for a day, did he think I could not handle myself? That I was incapable of taking care of my lover? I mean, it wasn't as if Yuugi knew of anything that went on in Jou's life, even when his dad-

"Can I help you Master Kaiba?"

I was startled out of my train of thought, nearly colliding with a servant? "What? Oh, can you get me and my…guest something to drink?"

"Of course, what will it be?"

"Some sort of pop, just bring a pitcher and two glasses." I needed to get back to Yuugi; I had forgotten I left him alone.

He was sitting on one of the couches when I came into the room. But it wasn't Yuugi. I knew it, I sensed it, it was that other…_thing_, that other thing that lived inside of him.

"I thought Yuugi wanted to talk to me?"

"He does, and he is listening as well. Have a seat Seto," He gestured to an armchair, MY armchair.

I tried not to look so distasteful of the situation, but I am sure the look on my face gave away what I was thinking. The servant came in with our drinks, and after we each had a sip of Cola, he started to talk.

"How is he?"

"Fine, He is doing just fine. The doctor said his walking has improved a lot; he is back on his feet. His appetite is almost normal, he is becoming the same person he was before..."

"What does he remember?"

"He remembers how to read actually, I don't know how much he understands, but he can read a book to me. He is doing well." That is a lie Seto, you know it. He doesn't remember you…

"How are you doing?"

Me? Who gives a hell how I was doing? "Who cares?" Did I say that out loud? Yes, yes I did.

"You should Seto, because if you aren't well, how can you expect to help Katsuya?"

"I am fine."

I knew he didn't believe me, and rightfully so. I knew I wasn't ok, but the less time I gave myself to think about it, the less I had to face the truth.

"You need to talk about it-"

"I DON'T need to talk about it." I snapped. And I didn't think telling someone about your feelings when they clearly did not care was not going to make matters better.

"Yes you do. You have these feeling inside you, trying to escape. Don't let it consume you."

What could I say to him, without giving myself away? No, I couldn't give in, I didn't need little friends to confide my problems. That is why people are weak, that is why people get so emotional, and that is why I have a boyfriend…but Jou just wouldn't understand what I am saying now, because it is about him, about what used to be. He had no idea how much it hurts, how every little thing he does just KILLS me. No one would get it…

"I am not forcing you to tell me anything Seto; I just want to help you."

That's a lie.

"I know you must be going through a lot right now, you and Jou were so close,"

Beautiful deduction, did you come up with that all on your own?

"-but if I could just understand what you feel now, maybe you would feel better."

"You _don't_ understand." This was true. People tell you they understand, to get you to open up, when really, they get nothing. They don't feel the way you do, they don't think the way you do, they don't act the way you do, so how could they ever begin to comprehend what goes on inside your being.

"I think if-"

I didn't need this. To put it frankly, I just lost it. I leapt up from my chair, and pointed an accusing finger at Yuugi. Rage was spewing out of my mouth before I could stop it.

"I don't give a fuck what you think and I don't give a fuck what you have to say! And when I tell you, you don't understand it, don't question me!"

"Seto-"

"No, I am sick of all of you. You wouldn't be so comfortable, so, CONFIDENT that he is ok, if it was YOU he didn't remember. If it was you, who he looked at, and didn't even KNOW how to feel. Do you know how he looks at me Yuugi? He looks puzzled, sometimes HESITANT when I talk to him. I can't TOUCH him because it doesn't feel right; I can't even shake his fucking HAND without feeling as if I am looking at a stranger! He doesn't know me! He doesn't know me anymore!"

I sat back down, exhausted, depressed, and alone. I knew what I needed to say now; I knew what Yuugi needed to hear. "And I loved him. With all my heart and soul, I love Jounouchi Katsuya to the core. And he doesn't know what love is now."

I raised my eyes; it was Yuugi again, not that other thing. And he was crying. Great, just great, Yuugi started the waterworks. There was no way I was going to cry, I didn't want to, I didn't have to…

"Seto, I am so sorry." He reached for my hand, but I recoiled. I didn't want to be touched; I didn't want to be pitied. I didn't want to exist at that moment.

I collected myself; I felt my face cooling off, and my temper going down. "I told you, I am fine. Now if you don't mind, I would like to get some sleep."

"You don't want to talk about anything else."

"No, just…leave. Please." I didn't want to look at him right now. I wanted to be alone in some dark corner, forgetting about this nightmare.

"Alright Seto, I'll leave, but pushing me away isn't going to help. I know you needed to get that off your chest, and I am sure you are glad you did. But I won't talk about that now, as per your request, I am leaving now." And he did, he got up off the couch and made his way towards the door without assistance. I only got up from my chair when I heard the soft thump of the front doors. Then I knew he was gone.

It was true, even though I didn't believe it, I felt better. I am sure half the house heard my yelling, but I just didn't care.

In this mix of emotions, did I uncover things that were hidden in my mind, hidden from me? It was the voice in the back of my head.

_You hate him for what he is doing to you. You hate your own boyfriend._

Maybe, maybe some part of me wished he would just go away, so I wouldn't have to deal with what I had done. I lived with so much hate, I realized now.

_But more than anything, you hate yourself.

* * *

_

Pop is something like Coca-Cola, or Sprite. I think Americans call it, soda? I don't know, but we call it pop.

If you didn't know, the conversation in italics at the beginning of the story was between Seto, Jou, Yuugi. Yuugi's grandpa was in there too.

A/N: I know I get a lot of reviews complaining about how short my chapters are. But I don't intend them to be short, I just write what I need to and then post it. I could jumble two chapters at a time, but then I would make less updates, and then MORE people would be complaining, I am sure. So please guys, just bear with me, I work 40 hours a week, and on the two days I have off, I am spending time with my friends before we go off to college. So, making sure my chapters are at least 5,ooo words really is not at the top of my to-do list. Thank you to all the people who compliment me on this story, you guys' support means a lot to me. I will update as soon as I can. So, leave a review, and I will get back to you.


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